It's Another Day

Some how, I suddenly decided I would blog...yet again. So here I am writing out some random thoughts. Most of which are incurred by incredible anger, frustration and distaste.

Now the question: Where to begin? ha!

I wonder if anyone has the feeling of "Oh fuck, I just pissed off everyone who I care most about" or... possibly even worse - the revelation of finally being something, you never, ever wanted to be. Being something so heinous, it haunts you in your sleep and stalks you in broad daylight. Never leaves your mind, your side, or your soul. The scary thing is, I can't even stand myself, so how should others?

Most times all I care about is my career. All I can think about, focus on, dream about, work on and truly care about... is work. Often, it can be mistaken as a great work ethic, or even a dreamer, and sometimes, (the dreadful) selfish. What I think... life is about relationships. Loving, caring, and teaching one another. Something I don't feel capable of, and most of all, I am scared of.

Often times, I just pretend I'm someone else. I put myself in the shoes of a woman on TV. I dream what it would be like just for a day... to see how it feels to have all eyes on me. To have someone who cares. To have someone who truly, likes you, for you. All of your faults, your habits, and inefficiencies. But, as we all know: life isn't like the movies.

Then, I wake up, and to distract myself I think of work. How to get to the next step. How to conquer what I so desire. How to fill those personal holes with thoughts/dreams of success, and how it may possibly distinguish any other hopes of relation or fill the gaping holes of emptiness. And whatever that can't do.. music can always mask.

However, after it all, I truly wonder if it's even worth pondering. If I'm wasting life away at this second, thinking that it's possible I can change. To think of what I can become as a person, not a professional. What I can become as a Christian, a woman, a mother, a sister, friend, cousin, aunt, daughter, and grand-daughter. What I can become other than an executive, president, or CEO.

Confusion doesn't even fit the bill. Doesn't even begin to describe the inner-workings of my current state. Maybe it's stress. The pressure of graduation. The stress of perfection. Which I have only put on myself. I am the only one to blame. Sickness or blessing you ask? Can't say. But it definitely doesn't feel good, although it does have its highs.

Similar to drugs, in between my fixes of minimal success, is the drop. The drop to the bottom of the barrel. The drop to the bottom of the canyon. So severe I've nearly shattered all of my limbs. Feel as though I can't go on some days. But, I believe it's God that fuses my bones as one. Encourages me to push forward. No matter how low some times may be perceived as... there's only one way to go from the bottom. Making me feel as though.. there's a reason for all of this.

And maybe, in the end, when I do meet my creator. This was simply a step in the evolutionary process of a human being. To becoming all that I could ever desire to be. Suddenly, I just doubted myself. Although, it is God in who I have faith. He cannot be doubted and will never let me down. So to him, I thank. For all fo this "confusion" maybe all I need is a prayer. Simple, right?