Why Can't I Love You In Slow Motion. . .

Today, I write about - "love".
Note: It is in quotations because I do not know what "love" means, what it is, or what it does.

Earlier this afternoon I read a blog on Mr. Bryan-Michael Cox's blog First Of December. He's an infamous songwriter, and Lord knows musicians/songwriters are the most in touch with their emotions, and the notion of "love". Thus, considering he works everyday on defining, discussing, and celebrating "love", I figure he's probably the only person in the world I trust to use the word freely without any quotation marks.

"Why is it when it appears that you might be dating someone seriously, everyone comes out of the woodworks?

I’ll tell you why:

It’s the age old tale of the chase. The challenge. If you are not a challenge then men & women alike will always feel like they can have you when they want you until they make a decision. But what happens if the person that you have had waiting meets someone, really falls for them, and they make the decision before you do? Then all of sudden they aren’t thinking about those 3 days you didn’t call them. They were talking to their new interest. All of sudden they aren’t thinking about the times they emailed/bbm’d you and you didn’t reply. They are bbm’ing their new interest. All of sudden they aren’t thinking about the major event in their life they really wanted you to share with them. They shared it with their new interest. All of a sudden the more time they spend with their new interest, the less they are thinking about you. And then you start to realize that he or she isn’t hitting you like they used to. You start thinking, “Maybe I am losing the control I had over this person. Wait, I am not ready to make a decision but I don’t want this person dating anyone seriously! Oh No! What do I do???”

Pretty eye-opening, especially for me. As to why, I think each person on this planet may relate in some way. Whether you have been subject to it, or personally fucked up the chase yourself!

But right now, my mind is telling me that no matter what, I will NOT let this be me. I will NOT be the one to let some person attempt to have some lingering control over me. I always want to be able to know that I am worth more. Worth the "love" in the movies.

However, as I reflect on my current life position. I realize I'm likely the sucker. The one girl who kindly allows that infamous jerk-bag extraordinaire to continue entering and exiting her life as he pleases. Use her as the best friend he needs, and then dips once he finds a piece of ass that will let him hit it, and keep him busy for the moment.

I guess... I figure he'll wake up. He'll see that I was always here, but know that I won't be here forever. That I'm the one he's been missing all along. He's had it... he just never knew.

I think we, as women try to be that one person who can change that one man. Be the one to make him better. What we forget, is ourselves. What we deserve. And what we deserve, is to be treated and respected like the true goddesses that we are. Not have to wait, wonder, and hurt. We were meant to be cherished. Kept, and held close. Not disregarded and disrespected.

When he turns his back on you, know that you're too precious to stay. Too precious to pass up, too precious to be treated like a door mat, or mishandled like a $5 dollar bill.

You're a child of God, and know that at the end of the day... HE is all you need.

Before You Walk Out of My Life. . .

I never meant to cause you no pain
I just wanna go back to being the same
Well I, only wanna make things right
before you walk out my life...

'95 - Monica (Miss Thang)

God damn I love that song.

Holy Crap, I'm Schizophrenic. Ha!

Stupid-ass title right? Thought so.

It was actually brought on by flipping through my previous thoughts as posted on this blog. I'm not sure if I'm either crazy, unfocused or simply off-the-chain :-) I can't seem to piece together each of my posts to make sense of what's going on in this effed up brain of mine.

However, I must admit that these blogs are the most honest that I have ever been with myself. For that, I am thankful. I never dare to hit the backspace button, unless it's for spelling.. because that shit drives me nuts!

So other than my crazy-ass inability to remain consistent with my thoughts, I have naturally progressed to the topic of faith. Yes, faith. Faith in God. Your God, my God, OUR God. The creator, holder of the ultimate perfection, love, grace, forgiveness, and son.

Some days I forget. Forget about God amidst all of the madness. Astonishingly enough, I even got distracted attempting to write that sentence. I'm not sure if I'd call it the devil, or human nature, but I'm making it my mission to keep my eyes on God. Focus on the real goal. The goal to enter the kingdom of Heaven. Walk the paths of gold. Stay in the beautiful presence of the Lord. Be at ease of all pressure, pain, fear, and hurt. No questions will go unanswered, no love unfulfilled or unappreciated. That, is the goal.

At the end of the day we will not be judged by our superficial and material possessions, but our hearts. What we would have if everything we ever owned was stripped from us, what our character would say. What our lives would say. How our stories would portray themselves infront of our own creator. The thought is almost unimaginable.

For that day, I pray. I attempt to be the Christian woman that God placed me on this earth to become. My job as a warrior of Christ is to ignore, yet appreciate the presence of those who discourage God's ever flowing presence among us. Worry about yourself. Care for your family, your friends, and all children of God. Because we all share the same faith.

So, to myself, I am reminded to stay humble, to forgive, to be kind, to show sincere emotion, to be truthful, honest, maintain my self-respect, and continue to share the love of God to others. He is almighty and beautiful. He himself, helped me to write this. His love and force runs through my fingers compelling me to write each sentence. Alike, piece by piece, he writes out our lives. So live them as if he is standing next to you... because he's over your shoulder watching your every move. With love, and guidance. Call on him upon any and all troubles, for he will not take you to it, if he cannot take you through it!!

God is Love,

*J

It's Another Day

Some how, I suddenly decided I would blog...yet again. So here I am writing out some random thoughts. Most of which are incurred by incredible anger, frustration and distaste.

Now the question: Where to begin? ha!

I wonder if anyone has the feeling of "Oh fuck, I just pissed off everyone who I care most about" or... possibly even worse - the revelation of finally being something, you never, ever wanted to be. Being something so heinous, it haunts you in your sleep and stalks you in broad daylight. Never leaves your mind, your side, or your soul. The scary thing is, I can't even stand myself, so how should others?

Most times all I care about is my career. All I can think about, focus on, dream about, work on and truly care about... is work. Often, it can be mistaken as a great work ethic, or even a dreamer, and sometimes, (the dreadful) selfish. What I think... life is about relationships. Loving, caring, and teaching one another. Something I don't feel capable of, and most of all, I am scared of.

Often times, I just pretend I'm someone else. I put myself in the shoes of a woman on TV. I dream what it would be like just for a day... to see how it feels to have all eyes on me. To have someone who cares. To have someone who truly, likes you, for you. All of your faults, your habits, and inefficiencies. But, as we all know: life isn't like the movies.

Then, I wake up, and to distract myself I think of work. How to get to the next step. How to conquer what I so desire. How to fill those personal holes with thoughts/dreams of success, and how it may possibly distinguish any other hopes of relation or fill the gaping holes of emptiness. And whatever that can't do.. music can always mask.

However, after it all, I truly wonder if it's even worth pondering. If I'm wasting life away at this second, thinking that it's possible I can change. To think of what I can become as a person, not a professional. What I can become as a Christian, a woman, a mother, a sister, friend, cousin, aunt, daughter, and grand-daughter. What I can become other than an executive, president, or CEO.

Confusion doesn't even fit the bill. Doesn't even begin to describe the inner-workings of my current state. Maybe it's stress. The pressure of graduation. The stress of perfection. Which I have only put on myself. I am the only one to blame. Sickness or blessing you ask? Can't say. But it definitely doesn't feel good, although it does have its highs.

Similar to drugs, in between my fixes of minimal success, is the drop. The drop to the bottom of the barrel. The drop to the bottom of the canyon. So severe I've nearly shattered all of my limbs. Feel as though I can't go on some days. But, I believe it's God that fuses my bones as one. Encourages me to push forward. No matter how low some times may be perceived as... there's only one way to go from the bottom. Making me feel as though.. there's a reason for all of this.

And maybe, in the end, when I do meet my creator. This was simply a step in the evolutionary process of a human being. To becoming all that I could ever desire to be. Suddenly, I just doubted myself. Although, it is God in who I have faith. He cannot be doubted and will never let me down. So to him, I thank. For all fo this "confusion" maybe all I need is a prayer. Simple, right?

A New Day

Dreams.

First off, I didn't know what the shit I was going to say. I figure I'd grow past the bullshit of aged "friends" and the first thing that came to mind was dreams.

One must be outrageously strong to dream, and even more brave to follow the dream. It's scarce to encounter an individual who truly has the ability to fathom pursuing their passion, let alone finding someone with the strength to embark on a journey to living the dream.
The first thing that comes to my mind is "How miserable would it be to live life knowing you bailed on your passion?" What does that say about your character? I can't find the respect in me to appreciate those who opt for the easy way out. The way that either offers the most cash, or security. I understand maybe your passion does allow cash flow and security, but if it does not.. that should not deter you.
The word passion is defined as: "Strong amorous feeling or desire". So, slap on the armor because nothing ever, ever - comes easy. You will have to make sacrifices, failures, friends and successes. Enjoy the ride!

I'll see you at the top! <3

So Here It Goes...

I probably read more blogs than the average person. From Global 14, Bryan's Journey, October's Very Own, Necole Bitchie, Perez, and even Kanye! So, I thought I'd start my own. Once upon a time, I did have one long ago. Back when Xanga was the shit. However, now things have changed: I'm educated, inspired and fucking pissed.
Most folks know me for being pretty easy going. Now, I've had enough. Sick of being taken for granted, tricked & deceived. I remember being told as a child: "You fool me once, shame on you. You fool me twice, shame on me". Nothing rings more truth. However, little do you know, I'm smarter than you may perceive me to be. I've grown from a young, naive and partially egotistical girl, to an intelligent woman with practical goals and the ambition to exceed them.
To say the least, I consider myself to have past the "high school" bullshit. No longer will I tolerate the selfish, two-faced, inconsiderate company I once did. There comes a point in your life when you begin to remove those distasteful beings from your life, and truly focus on who and what is important.
Unfortunately, sometimes that includes persons you once loved, and understand they don't know any better, but also understand they're physically and mentally incapable of evolving. Therefore, what is left? Nothing. All that is left is to disguard of his/her influence from your life by disassociation and extinction of relation. So, if you dont yet know... goodbye.

A letter to some of whom I can't stand any longer:

You once called me family. Indeed, I felt the same way. Little did I know.. it was all business. Shame on me for not knowing any better. You suck the free work from me while my heart was dedicated to the development and success of your craft.
FUCK YOU! Never once cared to call, or even contact me in any way. It was always on my lap... unless, you needed some more free labor and a favor. And at the time, I would never turn it down.. no matter how busy I was working, in school, and volunteering. But you.. you were sitting on your ass staring at a TV screen waiting for someone else to do it. Well, talent/intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings. So, I guess you can still walk?
Funny how I know your life like the back of my hand. You know I would never, ever deceive you. No matter the case, yet you took me for granted, and to your own advantage. I can't decide whether you knew I was the perfect type to utilize and dispose of, or just wrongfully mishandled our no-longer existant relationship by not giving a fuck and pulling off incredible deciet. Nor can I decide whether I'm impressed that you crawled under my radar, or disgusted. But now, I dare you to call me. I dare you to send me an e-mail asking how I (a member of your "family") have been doing. I dare you to send me goddamn message on myspace, facebook or twitter saying "what's up" without some exterior influence or interior intention of further usage. Ha, Too late.
The greatest, most genuine friend you could have ever had (and once did) is now out the damn door. One day, just one day, maybe you'll open your eyes and see I was there. And maybe most importantly, that I didn't want to leave either.
Finally, if you think this is about you... it probably is. However, if this is about you, I'm very impressed you took the time out of your "o-so-busy life" to read something I wrote. Ha, who am I kidding...

Until next time,

To each his own blessings.